Feeling a kind of non feeling.

I don't know what happened to me.
I just know i have changed.
I used to hug everyone. Very tight and very soft at the same time.
Almost if i was saying in silence: "Don't worry, do not be afraid. I am here for you." i used to do that every time, even in little hugs, like in meetings.
Now it seems i don't know how to hug anymore.
I can hug, of course. But i can't , i simple can't make the same way it was before.
I think i can't heal anyone anymore.
And that's because i'm more hurt than anyone i hug this days.
I simply can't transmit that good thing on them anymore.

I used to talk to everyone and hear their problems, i used to be smiling in every hour of a day. I used to help anyone to smile too, but that is not the case anymore. Nowadays i just see them like they are in the other side of the river, and i can't reach them. Is even more sad to think about the ones i helped in the past, because i don't see them anymore, i don't know how they are doing right now.
I don't know if they are smiling right now. How i wish they were, even if i'm no longer a living part in their lives. I really wish that.

Someone said to me today, that i used to be wondering about everything. Looking to the stars or even the ground and just thinking. Thinking about how life is good, how i like to see other peoples happies, or about why a chicken can't fly. You know, thinking about everything.
Somewhere, sometime this just stopped. I can't wondering around anymore. In fact, i live in a "normal" mood all the time. I don't feel much joy not either much sad, not excitement or fear. If you put a round circle with all the feelings you can have all around it, like north is happiness and south is sadness, my feelings would be right in the center all the time, not moving at all.

I don't know if this happened when i lost you (my dear love), but it was somewhere near, for sure.
I just feel different you know? Like, my feelings and thoughts are hiding somewhere, where i can't find them anymore.
I think this is sad, but i don't feel sad.
I think i'm just living to be alive.
I have meet extremely good friends, i have made good laughs, i have loved someone, i have tasted how is to be loved, i have made good things, i have made bad things, i have fight and i have made peace, i have listen to good songs and watched touching movies, read good books, have spiritual experiences and carnal ones. Still everything is here, the friends, the memories, myself and my empty chest.

That's why i keep telling myself i have lived my life already, because i fell kind of dead here.
I know this is not true, but it is what i think.
Because i have feel all my great feelings in small moments that i can't have anymore.
Walking to your house, happy to have someone i could count and love; watch all my friends laughing in class; hug and telling jokes and stories to new friends; make way through difficult problems in my life and having a kind of fun after pass them way.
I dreamed and wanted so many things, so so many, but i just have been disappointed for even more things. Like telling my mom i wanted to become a director of movies and she laughing at me; or giving my heart to someone i don't even talk to anymore.

This made me feel small, incapable of achieving my dreams and made me lose my strength in a search for better life.
I don't even know where to start from now, i feel lost. Being stuck at my room is the best thing i can do, because all i try fails and all i plan didn't work.
The life i want to have is not here, and what is here don't satisfy me anymore.
My heart, who shines so bright pastimes is now no more than a heavy little burden that i have in my chest and my mouth who would open like a rainbow in a rainy day is now distorted with a upside down smile.

I don't know why i'm writing this, since its been a long time since i write something you could call "good".
I guess its is a scream for help, for anyone, even god.
Maybe i just want you to read this, want you to know how i feel, or maybe this is a suicide letter of the friend you know right now.  
I don't know. i want to feel. i want you all to feel me as well.
                                                                                                                        - I'm dead.